This day...

This is Marc writing.  Last year I wrote a series of letters to my little girl (Selah) and gave them to her bound as a Christmas gift.  They include reflections on our days together, old family stories, poetry, and thoughts that I think she may appreciate as she gets older.  The book was written explicitly to her and for her.  My Dad read through it and asked me to share one of the stories with friends and family on the blog.  It is against my judgment to share it, because it is a personal reflection for my daughter.  I decided to do so anyhow, because I have found that it is not a good idea to go against Dad (unless it's about the cabin).  This is a story of my Mom, and out last days together...

Dear Selah,

I want to tell you about your grandma Lolo.  She was an amazing lady.  She loved your Grandpa deeply, she was your Dad’s greatest cheerleader, she could not be kept from a party, and she lived full of excitement about sharing life with her grandkids.  She was also strong - tough as nails. 

Grandma Lolo lived life fully for many years while she was sick.  Grandpa says that she lived life “full of gusto, while fighting cancer.”   The last week of her life is a telling story of how she chose to live.  In those days, when she was hurting, she did all of these things and more…

Mothers Day was exactly one week before Grandma left us.  That day she got up and went to do something that was very important to her.  She met her family, relatives, and friends at the Susan G. Koman, Race for the Cure.  The Race for the Cure is an organization that hosts walks and races in order to raise money to fight breast cancer.  Grandma Lolo had breast cancer for almost a quarter of her life.  For many years your Grandparents, your Mom and Dad, your aunts & uncles, and many of our friends have participated in this event to help raise research money and to celebrate Grandma.  This day was not different.  She gathered what little strength she had and joined us at the race.  It was beautiful, emotional, and hard for all of us.  We knew that this was the last time that we would all gather together with her to celebrate her long and courageous battle with cancer and her short and wonderful life of love.  She made it there.  She smiled, she laughed, and she held you.  She was strong.

Later that day, Grandma once again gathered the her strength and got into her car with Grandpa and came to Mom and Dad’s church.  It was a very special evening, because you were being dedicated to God and the people in our church community.  Grandma wanted to be a part of this.  She was in much pain, but it didn’t stop her.  She actually walked into the church, up a flight of stairs and to her chair, where she cuddled you.  She stood up with the rest of us and promised to love you in the ways of Jesus.  I am so glad that she was there for you.  Grandma loved you very much.

The day was still not over for Grandma Lolo.  That night she hosted a party at her house!  It is still hard to believe.  You, your Grandpa, your aunts & uncles, all of your cousins, Mom & Dad, and some friends came to grandma’s party.  We talked, laughed, ate desert, and gave Grandma her Mother’s Day gift.  Her gift was a video that Aunt Kerry and I made for her, that showed pictures of her entire life, from when she was a little girl, through all of her adventures, including the ones from that day.  We all watched it together.  It was like many things at this time, beautiful and hard.  We all sat there with a lump in our throats, a giggle in our voice, and tears I our eyes.  Grandma loved it.  When it finished, she threw her hands in the air and said, “I have had a great life!”  She was right.  She had a wonderful life, and she lived it like no other.

Two day’s later, while getting more and more tired, sick, and weak, Grandma wanted to have some fun.  She called her friends and invited them to go out for a nice dinner.  Grandpa and her got into the car and met their friends out.  They ate a huge meal, drank wine, talked, laughed, and enjoyed good company.  She would not give up, or miss a chance to live fully.

That Friday, only two days before Grandma had to go, she was still carrying on, as if nothing mattered except continuing to live well.  Dad was hosting a “work-weekend” at the camp to get ready for the summer.  Grandma was always a huge help to the camp.  She loved to come to the work weekends, because she could lend a helpful hand, and because she loved to be with all of the other people there.  She wouldn’t miss a gathering of friends.  That morning, she got ready to make the four-hour drive to the camp with Grandpa.  Grandpa loaded the car, and helped Grandma to get ready.  They started walking outside to the car to drive north.  Grandma’s strength was nearly gone now.  She could not hold up her own body any more.  Grandpa decided to take her back to the house and cancel the trip.  She tried to come.  She really tried to come.  Two days before she passed on, Grandma wanted to volunteer her time and any strength she had to help others.  Selah, your Grandma was exceptionally loving and extraordinarily strong.

Later that evening, Grandpa called me at the camp and told me that Grandma was getting very tired.  He said that she wanted to say goodbye to me.  I walked out of the Nimaamaa with the phone at my ear, a feeling in my stomach like I wanted to throw up, disbelief in my mind, and a broken heart.  Grandma and I spoke as I walked down the gravel road to a big White Pine tree.  We talked and I paced.  We were both crying and saying, “I love you” to each other.  Neither of us wanted to hang up, and both of us wanted our last words to each other to be “I love you.”  We traded that truth back and forth twenty times.  Then there was no more.  Grandma and I had spoken to each other for the last time.  I fell to my knees and leaned on the big tree.  I cried and cried.  I am crying now as I write this.  I love your Grandma, my Mom so much.  I knew that it was the last time that I would hear her voice.

The next day you, Mom, and I left a camp full of helpers and drove to Grandma and Grandpa’s house to see if we could see her again.  We made it.  Grandma was no longer able to speak with us, but we were able to be with her and hold her hand.  I think that she knew we were with her.

Your Grandma Lolo has been a hero of mine for as long as I can recall.  When I would explain to people why she was a hero to me, I generally had a hard time coming up with words to describe her.  It has only been since she died that I have been able to begin understanding how impressively strong she was. 

Grandma loved life and the people in it so much, that she stared cancer in the eye for sixteen years, while refusing to be crippled by it.  She wouldn’t even allow it to slow her down.  She certainly did not give it any credence by acknowledging its toll on her.  In Grandma’s last week with us, she bravely fought, loved, partied, feasted, helped others, and shared her goodbyes.

Gaga

Comments

[Ross Andrusko]

Thank you for making this exception, Marc. I love you. It will be two years on Wednesday that Mom left us. Her Love still permeates our lives. Dad

[Kerry]

This is the first I've seen this. Thanks for putting it into words for us - that's the hard part. Love you!

[Tom & Martha Aikman]

Marc, Thanks for sharing...I loved her too...Martha